In a tangle

How I desire more
but torn between two
I would love to leave and spread my wings
but I would also love to stay and build
where I am planted
I am in a daze
How then can I make a choice
that gives me the abundance of my own life
My heart yearns for the adventure of starting over
Am I a free soul that takes off
or do I leave when it gets uncomfortable
Can I not stand to be vulnerable

20170731_193551 (1)

I am stuck
My ankle in a tangle
I would not forgive
if I am still where I was five years ago
But it is not the place
But the state of being
Where am I now?
I reflect as I write
I guess I found my starting point
for self-discovering
It’s time
I need to decide
before anything can happen

In a tangle

The Earth renews itself.

♫ Listening to: Colleagues Chattering

Friend: What do you think is happening to the world now… with all the typhoons, heavy rains…. and all nature’s ‘beautiful but scary stuff’?
I am not really sure what is happening to the world now. I am just blessed and grateful that I am where I am right now. Safe and away from natural disasters 😭

I try not to think much about it, and just pray everyone is at a safe place while the earth changes its skin, transforms and renews itself. I read somewhere that the earth does this. It merely renews itself. It’s a good topic to look up.

It is true that irresponsible human beings are polluting, abusing and destroying the earth. And the earth has the power to heal itself, regardless of how we humans feel 😂 I mean, before anything happens, I believe the earth would have already sent signs of things to come, to prepare us, to prompt us to do something different, something better. It is not a thing that happens overnight–it is a constant sending of signs and warnings before anything huge and drastic happens, like what it is happening today.


The earth has no brain. It is an object, whereas human beings have a brain. The earth is merely functioning in its own creative design. So, the question is, are we not supposed to take care of the earth and all its creation? If we create imbalance, for sure the earth would respond as it should. Is there another way that the earth would respond? The earth would definitely respond if there is a change in its the original flow in its system.

God gave us this beautiful earth, in all its signs and wonders, as a gift. For us to govern it. For us to run it. It is in our power. And what are we doing? Who gave us right to complain that God lets bad things happen when it is our duty and responsible to take care of what is given to us? God, is a Man of His own words. He cannot go against itself and His own designs. He weeps when the earth has to renew itself drastically because of the imbalance in its atmosphere. Because if the earth doesn’t do that and dies, we humans are no more.

Regarding the end of the world, the Day and Hour is unknown: “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father (Matthew 24:36)”.

So what current issues shall we look into and what practical steps shall we take to take care and keep the earth clean and healthy, so we get to enjoy its abundance and beauty in full?

The Earth renews itself.

Good morning, it’s Monday!

Good morning. It’s Monday.

I joined a local kampung prayer meeting last night. I miss praise and worship so much 😭😭😭 The music volume was right, the singing volume was right, the atmosphere was right … it wasn’t long into the first action song, I was freely moving to the actions and music. I mentally took a step back and thought to myself, “What’s happening to you, Tatiana?”

It was then I realised I haven’t felt free during a praise and worship session in a long, long time.

Last night, I felt alive. It was like I felt my blood began to flow, and my heart began to leap, joy was bubbling inside me.

Then a favourite song of mine was sung. I broke down. My walls came down.

Kumau cinta Yesus selamanya
Kumau cinta Yesus selamanya
Meskipun badai silih berganti dalam hidupku
Ku tetap cinta Yesus selamanya

Ya Bapa Bapa, ini aku anakMu
Layakkanlah seluruh hidupku
Ya Bapa Bapa, ini aku anakMu
Pakailah sesuai dengan rencanaMu

Maybe also, I was in the presence of friends who were santai, and were just pleasantly happy to see us and greeted us with hugs or a handshake. And we could be funny and just laugh to our hearts’ content.

Truth be told, I’m tired, I’ve been tired for a long time. Tired of being prim and proper. Tired of having to fit into people’s boxes of principles and ideas of how things should be. Tired of having to have answers. Tired of explaining myself. Tired of thinking. Tired of swimming in my emotions with little way out. Tired of meeting high expectations. Just leave me alone please 😭 Just let me handle things the way I can handle. Accept me as I am.

Today, I declare I am tired of adulting. With that, I will learn to do things for me, create things for me, plan for me … because if I am happy, then I will willingly do happy things… for myself and for people.


Good morning, it’s Monday!

The Human Person


♫ Listening to: Rooftops by Jesus Culture – Aldrich & James

Niece: Did anything fun today?
During breakfast at my usual makan place, I decided to go further than just going: “Kira. Berapa ah?“. So this morning, I took the extra effort and asked the cashier whether she lived around here. And she said lived nearby and I also found out at 8am, the route that she takes to work is not congested, which means I can safely use it if I decided to change my route to work too. I stepped out of my comfort zone, that was fun for me… cos I am terrified of talking to people randomly. which is why normally I leave quickly, haha.


And here comes the question my husband indirectly made me study the whole day today:

Husband: What is politics actually? Why do we need it?
I don’t know much about politics. But, politics, I heard from somewhere is for the human person. We need good politics because it champions the life and rights of a human person, to give a human person the right to live fully, especially the poor and vulnerable. It is not for self-gain. A very wise sister once shared to my community these seven themes of the Social Teachings of the Catholic Church, I believe it is a very good foundation for politics:

1) Life and Dignity of the Human Person;
This is where we protect life as we look at abortion, euthanasia, IVF, cloning, embryo stemcells, wars and death penalties. I quote Bishop Robert Barron, “Every human being has a purpose, a mission and we are all part of God’s plan”, and Jonathan Reyes, “At the root of our dignity is the right to life, from conception to natural death”. And nations are called to find increasingly effective ways to prevent conflicts and resolve them by peaceful means.

2) Call to Family, Community and Participation;
We called to participate in society, seeking together the common good and well-being of all. Society begins from family. We are called to be neigbours helping one another by responding to needs on different levels, not just expecting experts from the outside, but actively participating in making a better world, where we are. We are social beings, we live in relationship with others.

3) Rights and Responsibilities;
It is taking care of another person as myself. Human rights come out from human dignity where we are made in the image and likeness of God. We have a responsibility to contribute to human society, to build up society, to participate and suggest laws, structures, policies and procedures to governments so that people can better attain their human rights, and at the same time we exercise our rights and responsibilities. We are to live more than merely existing, we are to live in abundance as Jesus promises us.

4) Option for the Poor and Vulnerable;
To encounter the poor and vulnerable as a poor person, to encounter those who are marginalised and forgotten in society. To address issues who are driving them to be poor, who are making them poor, and showing love to them by being contact with them directly or indirectly. I think it is also giving them opportunities to grow out of their current circumstances by creating opportunities and workshops to equip and help them to live abundantly. And at the same time we will grow in our own humanity when we encounter the poor and vulnerable.

5) The Dignity of Work and the Rights of Workers;
To build a just economy is to make decent work at decent wages available for all those capable of working. People work because they want to care for their families. If one could, I don’t think one would even want to work. But they work because they want to live.

6) Solidarity;
Being in relationship with others. Being one human family, seeing and loving another as a brother or a sister, regardless of national, racial, ethnic, economic, and ideological differences. To be aware of current issues and “go to the root of what makes people suffer, and to do what I can according to my state of life, my expertise to help solve those things”, as said by Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle. We set priorities to love, then we make time to pray, because prayer leads to action. Together, we grow together and promote peace in a world surrounded by violence and conflict.

7) Care for God’s Creation
In the book of genesis, God gave Adam stewardship over all creation. In the same way, we are called to responsible stewardship, to take care of this planet we live in. This world is for all of us to enjoy and to sustain our needs. We are called to protect people and the planet, living our faith in relationship with all of Gods creation. We can do this by doing our part where we live in – by making decisions of caring for creation in a more positive way.

Thanks, husband, for making me study this today :*

1) Seven Themes of Catholic Social Teaching
2) Catholic Social Teaching

The Human Person

2 months today, yay!

♫ Listening to: Ryann Darling – I Choose You

Husband: How are you going to make today awesome?
At the moment, I don’t know yet. But the thing is it is already awesome because I woke up next to my husband and saw my 2nd month of marriage! #throwsconfetti I choose to make it awesome by being grateful on how God has been faithful and gracious to me. And to choose to be true and to respond with love.

Friend: Have you ever been to Bali?
No, I’ve not. But I just decided yesterday that it’s going to be one of my honeymoon destinations, haha.

Sister: When was the last time you exercised?
Yesterday morning when I woke up, I rolled over and did a 10-sec planks. Does that count as exercise? 😛

Niece: What was your last meal?
I had Sup Bakso Daging with white rice. It was good stuff! 😀

Ecc 4:9-12

2 months today, yay!

Getting the ball rollin’.

Colleague: How’s married life? 
I always answer this: “It’s not a bed of roses, but the beautiful thing is we’re in this together.” Our first two months of marriage (celebrating our 2nd month tomorrow, yay!”), we’ve learned to agree to disagree, we’ve learned to be true (in our emotions and preference) without expecting immediate change, we’ve learned to remind and suggest changes lovingly, we’ve learned to give each other time and space, we’ve learned to use money more wisely. I personally have started learning to submit as a wife–not taking over things and doing things on my own. Cos I feel I do things better, haha! But my husband has proved that he does do some things better than I do, so that’s where I allow myself to embrace humility. And after discussing plans together, I have allowed him to make the final decision for our family. We learned from our Catholic Engaged Encounter (Penang) that a family starts with a husband and a wife–because that is where new values and cultures are set and begin. And it makes sense. A family is not when there is a baby, a family starts at the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. So I guess before God allows a baby to come into our presence, we’ll have to set some common grounds and at least a valid and solid foundation for our family to build on.

Husbands are called to love God primarily through their wives. Your wife is the sacrament of Christ to you. You are the sacrament of Christ to your wife. When she looks at you, she is supposed to see Jesus Christ. – Fr. Larry Richards

And we also discovered that a husband and a wife are a sacrament of Christ to each other. We are both to each other and others, an outward and visible sign of inward and spiritual divine grace. And as husband and wife, we are called to lead each other to holiness. Mind-blowing 🙂

Getting the ball rollin’.

So we begin.

♫ Listening to: Te Vaka – Lakalaka

Family: How r u? / How are things?
At the office or at home? 😂 At office, I’m a bit aimless. I’ve been needing a direction in my job since my superior left. At home, we took over my dad’s trooper after it’s been abandoned till the engine couldn’t start. It’s been in and out of the workshop now, but it is getting better. Pockets are also getting drier. But I count it all joy!

Husband: How to load the addictive drummer vst on logic pro x? 
Hahaha I don’t know, sayang.

Friend: Bila u plan p Hawaii?
Hahaha. Not sure yet. It is one of my must-visit destination tho.

Colleague: What’s ur favourite colour after u married?
I don’t have a favourite colour after getting married. I let colours come to me, and I try to match them.


Okays, that’s all for today 🙂

So we begin.